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Being without him is starting to kill me. I need his arms around me. His comfort. His care. His love. Otherwise, I’m just a lonely little girl.
I knew the distance would be hard, but not like this. Not this gnawing feeling in my chest like my heart is trying to climb out of my body and run the miles and miles between us.
I wasn’t prepared to feel like an entire half of me is missing and without it I’m not myself.
I miss him.
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And then I see the things and think they’re funny and like the posts and then wish I were watching them as I practically fall asleep sitting up on my computer.
Come ask me questions please? Or just talk. Something to occupy/entertain all, or at least both in the case of a conversation, of us?
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I guess I’ll go back tomorrow and return this and get the right one.
I can’t. It’s too much. Too much to deal with. Going to class. Homework. Essays. Projects. Books to read. Notes to take. Movies to watch and analyze. Tests to take.
Have to pass classes. Have to earn credits. Have to pick a major. Have to decide what I want to do. Have to figure out my life.
Plan meetings. Send emails. Have a job. Do well at job. Get promoted at job. Deal with stress of higher position at job. Be member of club. Be member of club executive board. Lose club executive board position due to horrible past performance in school. Worry about failing out of college. Try not to cry.
On top of that, deal with worsening depression. Deal with self image and eating issues. Argue with self about eating healthy. Finally admit and try to start dealing with lifelong inferiority complex. Still try not to cry.
Fairly recently break up with boyfriend of two years. Deal with ensuing emotional attack on my brain. Begin new relationship, which began very quickly and intensely. Deal with fact that new boyfriend lives 600 miles away.
Feel life falling apart.
NOW I CAN’T LEAVE MY ROOM UNTIL I KNOW IT’S GONE.
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To be honest, I’ve lost the confidence to try to post a picture every day. I was going to, but I just honestly don’t feel good enough about myself right now to do it.
Because I’m a healthy motherfucker.
I’ll get to it eventually, I hope. But for now, I’m debating whether or not to re-listen to Don’t Panic! (probably will) and will most likely play minesweeper for at least another half hour.
I’m so good at this school thing, guys.
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He sent me flowers. My favorite kind of flowers. Stargazer lilies.
And there are two roses in there, too.
And on the card, he had it say:
“I don’t mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She’s been running through my dreams, and it’s driving me crazy it seems, I’m going to ask her to go out with me.”
He used Remembering Sunday lyrics to ask me out.
He’s amazing. =]
(Picture to follow)
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This is going to be a very long night. With very little sleep. And me trying to keep myself from moving. Because if I move, I know exactly what I’m moving towards. And it’s not good.
I guess I’ll be a quivering mess for the next couple of days.
I can’t believe it’s actually over. Even though I’m the one that did it.
He was just such a big part of my life for so long. I don’t really know what to do now.
I guess I just have to figure it out.
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